Friday, September 4, 2009

When Hello Means Goodbye

Five years. It's been five years to the day since my son became an angel. My sweet Parker. It's almost crazy to still be feeling this overwhelming love for my son. Not crazy to me, but maybe crazy to some. After all, I never got to meet him outside of the womb. I never got to hear him cry. I never got to see him smile. I never got to see his beautiful eyes look up at me. And yet, I love him as deeply, as purely, as completely as I do my Hayley. My heart bursts with the love I feel for Parker, especially today.

On this day every year, I let my guard down. I allow myself to be vulnerable. I let the pain back in. Along with that I am able to feel the emotions from that day again - both good and bad. I go through his box, I look at his pictures, and I read all of the old cards, letters, and his obituary. I allow myself to cry. Some years I will listen to his graveside service, but most years I can't bring myself to do it. Some emotions are better to stay distanced from.

I never would have imagined that the day I first met my son would also be the day I'd have to say goodbye to him. I never imagined that I'd be saying Hello and Goodbye in the same breath.

It's hard to wrap my mind around the idea that he would be five years old today. He'd be playing t-ball and soccer, he'd be teaching his little sister how to pump her legs on the swings, he'd be waving goodbye to me as he left for his first day of school.

I know that I will see him again and for this reason I rejoice. I still miss him like crazy though and I love him with all of my heart. I love you, Parker. Always, forever, no matter what.

Happy 5th Birthday in Heaven, my sweet son.