Wednesday, June 16, 2010


I am very grateful to be pregnant again and I feel even more blessed to be having twins. However, there is one thing that I just hate about being pregnant:

When you are pregnant, suddenly everyone wants to know how many kids you have.

I hate it. People usually ask it in the form of, "So what number does this pregnancy make?" I get asked questions like that at least 4-5 times a week (and that's a lot for someone who's stuck at home on bedrest). In between doctor's visits and testing at the hospital, everyone is always so curious.

I usually try to avoid completely answering the question. I try to make it simple on everyone. I usually say, "I've had two before this" and then hope they don't ask any more questions. However, they usually do. "Oh, so how old are your two at home?" Ugh, now I'm forced to explain that my first was stillborn at full term and that I just have my one daughter at home who is 3 years old.

I hate the reaction because then there is the awkward silence. Sometimes they'll say, "Oh, I'm sorry, that must've been hard." Yes, of course it was hard!

Being pregnant makes me think of Parker even more than normal. I'm forced to talk about him more. I definitely don't mind talking about him, but I hate that he comes up so casually and so often to random strangers. I cherish my memory of him - it was a very special experience to me. So I hate having to sum the whole situation up in the sentence: "My first was stillborn." I'd prefer to talk for hours about how wonderful and perfect and beautiful he was. I'd love to show pictures and explain how amazing it was to hold him and how I'll get to see him again someday. Rather than just shrug him off as some small trial I went through years ago.

I still miss Parker and think about him every day. I will always think of him everyday. I refuse to leave him out of our family when people ask about our kids. He IS my son and he is sealed to me forever. Why on earth would I leave him out?