Memorial Day

I already posted these on our family blog, but since this is Parker's blog I felt that they should be on here, too.

The Good

This is a beautiful song that I heard on one of Hayley's "Signing Time" DVDs. The co-creator of Signing Time wrote it for her husband. Their first child was born deaf and then their second child was born with hydrocephalus and spina bifida. I can't imagine the struggles and heartbreak that they have had to face. However, amid their challenges they have also found the greatest joy they could have ever imagined.

Every time (and I literally mean EVERY SINGLE TIME) I hear this song I cry. I relate to this song and it reminds me of all the hard times I've been through. It reminds me of the heartbreak and struggles that life can bring. Yet it also reminds me of the joys I have been blessed with.

I remember as newlyweds I had such great dreams for us. I thought everything would work out as I had planned it. I assumed we'd have the "fairy tale" life like I thought everyone had. I thought we'd get married, have kids, and be as happy as can be. I never could have imagined that we would end up burying our first child. I never could have imagined the years of infertility problems we would (and still will) face. I never imagined how hard life could be.

And yet, I never imagined how good it could be either.

Here are the lyrics for the song "The Good" written by Rachel Coleman. Hopefully I can figure out how to get the song on here one day. It is absolutely beautiful.

The Good
It was you and me and the whole world right before us
I couldn’t wait to start
I saw you and dreams just like everyone before us
We thought we knew what we got
And then one day I thought it slipped away
And I looked to my hands to hold on
And then one day all my fear slipped away
And my hands did so much more
So maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good
No, maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good!
It was you and me and a new world right before us
I was so scared to start
I saw you and dreams just like everyone before us
But how did they move so far?
And then one day I thought it slipped away
And I looked to my hands to hold you
And then one day all my fear slipped away
And my hands did so much more
So maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good
Maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good!

Promptings

It seems like an eternity since my last post. I've been wanting to post for quite some time now, but haven't been able to put all my thoughts into words. I still don't know that I will be able to do that.

My last post was about how grateful I am for temples and the promises we can receive from keeping our covenants. I wrote that post just a day after we had attended the temple. We had done Sealings that day. As we were busy sealing children to their parents, I kept having this strong prompting that I needed to try to have another baby as soon as possible. I wasn't planning on getting pregnant again for another nine months, so this prompting took me by surprise. I shrugged it off the best I could.
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The prompting scared me in a way because I absolutely hate the emotional roller coaster that follows me while attempting to bring a child into this world. I wanted to ignore the prompting because it reminded me of all the heartache I experienced while trying to conceive Parker and also with Hayley. The thought of "trying again" brings back all the raw emotions of months and months of taking my temperature and waiting for the right time; it brings back the sadness I felt seeing pregnancy test after pregnancy test with a big fat negative. It resurfaces all of the heartbreak I felt while trying to conceive Hayley. I would hurt every time I saw a baby and thought of my sweet Parker. I wanted a baby so badly after I lost Parker that it nearly felt like my heart would burst.

Back to the temple. As much as I tried to ignore the impressions I was having, I couldn't get rid of them. We went to the Celestial Room after we were done and Daniel and I were just sitting, staring at the beauty of the room. Daniel leaned over and said, "I think it's time to have a baby." I was like, "OH CRAP!" Ha ha, don't worry, I didn't say it out loud. I was just thinking, "I guess this means that I can't back down now. He got the prompting too!" And so from there, our journey was to begin.

I called my doctor and asked him to put me back on my medications that help me get pregnant. I started charting my temperatures again and the whole nine yards. Even though we both received the prompting to try again, I know that promptings are not always what they seem. Believe me, I learned that with Parker. I know that promptings may be guiding us down a different path or that they are intended to save us heartache in the long run or to teach us something we may not learn otherwise. I knew that just because we were prompted to get pregnant that it didn't mean that it would work out for us how we'd hoped.

To my shock and surprise, we conceived right away. I was shocked! It had taken us about a year and a half of trying to get pregnant with Parker and with Hayley. Everyone kept saying, "Wow, this baby is meant to be!" or "I guess Heavenly Father really wanted this baby to come to you at this time." Although I wanted to believe what everyone was saying, deep down something just felt . . . off. Even though two different pregnancy tests confirmed that I was in fact pregnant, I didn't feel like I was. It's a weird feeling.

As the weeks passed on, I tried to convince my head and my heart that maybe I was going to have a baby. I slowly started to tell family and friends our good news. As I told each person, I just had this weird feeling. I knew that I wasn't going to get to keep this baby. I tried to think positive, happy thoughts, but deep down I knew that there was nothing there. I was "pregnant" sure enough, but I could tell that there was nothing there to connect with. I felt ashamed that I wasn't "connecting" with the baby. However, I couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't going to work out.

Sure enough when I went to my first doctor's appointment, we found that the pregnancy had stopped developing. Blood work showed that I was doomed to miscarry. Honestly, I wasn't surprised or hurt when the doctor told me this. I just said, "I had a feeling you were going to say that."

I know that people must think I am crazy because I didn't mourn this loss. It's not because I'm heartless, it's because I knew all along that this wasn't going to be. I am thankful that Heavenly Father blessed me with the emotions I needed to go through this experience. It's amazing how He gives me strength and comfort at times when I need them most.

I am disappointed. I did want to have a baby and I was getting excited by the idea of having a baby this November. I am disappointed that we won't be having a baby as soon as we had hoped. I am disappointed that I have to try again. The thought of the emotional roller coaster sends chills up my spine. However, I know that we will be given the opportunity to parent more children. I am hoping that the Lord blesses us to have more of our own.

I don't know how long I will have to wait until we can try again. I am just enjoying the time that I have until then. I look at my daughter and I am so grateful for her. Tears fill my eyes when I think of others who have lost a child and are still longing for another to hold in their arms. I ache for them. When I look at Hayley I am reminded of how truly blessed I am. I will enjoy every second of her that I can. It really is amazing that any babies make it here. I am so incredibly thankful for the joy that Hayley brings into my life.

I am thankful for the life of my son. Although it was shorter than I ever could have imagined, how blessed I am to know that he's made it. He's where we all long to make it. He is saved.
I am grateful for the experiences that I have been given. I am even more grateful for the things I have learned from them.

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.