Parker's Ornament

This is the ornament we got for Parker this Christmas. It was so precious!

Not the best picture, I know. It really is a cute ornament though.

Hayley has started saying "Parker" now. I come to this blog page and show her Parker's picture. I say, "That your brother, Parker." And she says, "Karker" or "Parper". It's so cute though. I didn't even try to teach her it either. The first time I came here I said his name once and she repeated it. Now every time she sees his picture she says his name. I think she remembers him from before.

Always With Us

I just love our Christmas card picture. If you look between mine and Daniel's heads, you'll see an ornament on the tree that is shining brightly. This is Parker's ornament! It wasn't planned for this to be there so when I saw the picture I couldn't help but smile. Parker is still a huge part of our lives. He is our light, we love and miss him. I love seeing little reminders like this that he's still with us.

We Love You!

Happy Thanksgiving! We went and visited the grave as a family on Thanksgiving Day. We are grateful for the short time that Parker was in our lives. His presence is still impacting us each and every day. We can't wait to see and hold him again. We love you Parker!

Grateful

In my mom's ward this weekend, many mothers stood and bore their testimonies about children of theirs who were lost and falling away from the gospel. They spoke about how difficult it was to see your child fall away from the gospel. They were all very emotional.

Hearing this made me think back to when Parker was born. We had read Joseph Smith's quote about children who die in infancy (it's on the right-hand side of my blog) and felt comforted that our son was a very choice and lovely spirit. I also thought back to a blessing that Daniel's brother Kevin gave me. In the blessing he said that Parker was a very choice spirit of our Heavenly Father's and that satan would have worked extra hard to get him. The thought of this is terrifying to me.

To think that my little boy would have been sought after by the evil one more than others makes me feel incredibly grateful that my son was spared that torture. I am also grateful that I was spared having to watch my son go through such things. I don't know that I could handle such heartbreak.

I know that my son was too lovely and pure of a spirit to live on this earth very long, and for that I feel honored to be his mother. I just hope I can live as worthily as possibly to be able to meet his level of celestial glory to be worthy of him.

Joy Cometh in the Morning

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
-Psalms 30:5

I can't wait for the resurrection so I can see my son again. I love this picture of Christ after His resurrection.

Infant and Child Death Awareness Day

Today, October 15th, the MISS Foundation recognizes Infant and Child Death Awareness Day. This is a day when we pause to remember the thousands of children who died at all ages and from all causes around the world. It is a day when we pause and remember.

Please light a candle tonight in memory of these precious children. The MISS Foundation recognizes the pain of families after a child's death, life's worst tragedy. We are here for you and your family if you need us.
In their memory,
The MISS Foundation
http://www.missfoundation.org/

When a Child Dies...
To die one's self is a thing that must be easy,

and light of consequence;
But to lose a part of one's self--well,

we know how deep that pang goes,
we who have suffered that disaster,

received that wound which cannot heal...
It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man,
all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live.
It will take mind and memory months
and possibly years
to gather together the details
and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss.
- Mark Twain, 1888, on the death of his daughter, Suzy Clemens

Children & Angels

"Perhaps children's innocence, wherever it comes from, contributes to the fact that they seem to see angels more often." - John Ronner

-If any of you have ever closely watched babies, you will see them smiling as if watching something (or someone) intently. I like to think that babies can see angels and that the angels play with and watch out for them. I like to think that Parker has made Hayley smile a time or two.

The Lord Knows

I absolutely love conference. For some reason I always feel closer to my son during conference. A talk was given this conference that talked about people that are called upon to experience a tragedy. The speaker talked about how those people who have experienced the death of a loved one are much more compassionate, loving, and empathetic and how they are usually the first ones to help when others experience a tragedy.

I still cannot fully comprehend all of the marvelous things I have learned since my son's passing. However, I do know that I have learned a great deal about compassions and empathy. I used to struggle to find the words to say to someone who had lost a loved one. I now feel much more confident in how to comfort others during their losses. I am by no means perfect, but it feels good to be able to help and love others at a level that I never would have known how to reach before. I honestly ache when others suffer losses and I truly feel for them.

Losing my son has given me an incredible view of the Atonement and of the miraculous gift of the resurrection. Although I have a strong testimony that I will see my son again someday and that he is currently doing a marvelous work, I have truly learned what it meant when Jesus wept with Mary and Martha when Lazarus passed away. Christ knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead, but that did not prevent Him from showing compassion and love to the family. We truly do need to mourn with those that mourn and help bring comfort to them.

I am so very grateful that the Lord has given me the tools to be comfortable in helping others during their difficult times. I am grateful for conference and so thankful for the talks that were given.

Beautiful Poem

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
this we know is true
But God can you be a Mother
when you baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
when they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay
I just don't undersand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear

I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say
"We go to earth and learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
my Mommy set me free

I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy, don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
and this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you
So now you see what makes a Mother
it's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Mommy, Please Don't Cry: There are No Tears in Heaven

Mommy, Please Don't Cry: There are No Tears in Heaven
-This is an absolutely beautiful book. I think anyone that has lost a child would love this book. The artwork in it is beautiful and the story will touch your heart. I highly recommend this book for parents of those who have lost a child.

Time

While searching through my sister-in-law's blog, I started to click on some of her links. I ran across a girl who had just recently lost her son as well. As I read her story, my heart broke for her. How badly I wished I could take away her hurt. The memories of my loss of Parker came rushing back to me. Tears filled my eyes and I just sobbed for the girl. Most days I'm ok. I don't cry on a daily basis over the loss of my son anymore. It still hurts and I still long for him, but the initial pain is over. Every now and then, I cry though.

There's a saying, "Time heals all wounds." I agree with that, but not completely. I think time makes things easier and I do think that the hurt slows down. However, I don't think I will ever stop hurting and longing for my son. There will always be a place in your heart that hurts for the child you've lost.

We hired a new lady at work - I think she's in her 40s. She lost two sons to stillbirth over 15 years ago. She told me how she still cries when she thinks back about her children. She says that sometimes people are surprised that she can still cry about it when it was so long ago. It doesn't surprise me though. Even when you lose your child in infancy or pregnancy, they are still your child and you still love them with all your heart.

I hope all of those who have lost a child can feel the redeeming love of our Savior and Heavenly Father. The gospel is a glorious thing and I feel so privileged to know that I will see my son again someday. I can't wait to hold him in my arms again - how I long for that reunion.

One More Day (Lyrics)

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didnt ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe Id be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Our Beautiful Angel

This is a blog set up for our son, Parker Daniel Rowley, who was born still. We love him and miss him each and every day. We know that through our Heavenly Father's plan, we will be together forever.