Thank Heaven for Temples

Right after Parker died I remember having this overwhelming desire to go to the temple. I not only wanted to go, I longed for it. I knew that being in the temple is the one place I could go here on earth to feel as close to my son as possible. After I healed from the delivery I headed down to the temple. I felt such peace there. Just sitting in the Celestial room brought a warmth to my heart.

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Even now I love to sit in the Celestial room. I always feel a smile sneak upon my face and a warmth fill my heart when I think of Parker. It's kind of our special place.

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I am grateful for this gospel and the opportunity I have to go to the temple. I am thankful for the peace and comfort it brings. I am thankful for personal revelation, especially that received in the Celestial room at the temple.

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I thank my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, prophets, and church leaders for the temple! Whatever would I do without them!

My Happy Place

Last night the Fire Department had a meeting for the Firefighters and their wives. It was a Critical Incident Stress Debriefing meeting. The lady taught us about the type of stress the firefighters have after some of the things they see while on a call. We also learned how to manage the feelings that arise because of the things the firefighters see. It was a very interesting meeting.

The most interesting part to me was when the instructor had us close our eyes. She peacefully talked us through what she wanted us to visualize. We were supposed to walk toward a door (any type of door) and slowly open it. Once inside the door, we were supposed to visualize a place. Most people chose to visualize somewhere that they had been before - a cabin, their favorite fishing place, their porch, etc. My place was a little different.

I visualized a place I had never been before. It was bright and sunny, with beautifully lush trees. There was green grass everywhere and I was dressed in white walking through it barefoot. It felt so good underneath my feet! And then rather than just imagining the place, I also imagined that Parker was there. I ran to him and held him in my arms. He was still an infant and I was able to hold, kiss, and rock him to sleep. I felt as if I were in heaven. It's the closest I've felt to him in a long time.

Then the instructor told us to walk back toward the door and come back to reality. I nearly cried as I placed my son back on the grass and walked toward the door. Actually, I did cry. It was one of the worst feelings ever. I thought, "How dare you bring me to such a happy place and then make me go back!" Ha ha ha!

The instructor had us open our eyes. She told us that the place we had just imagined was our "happy place" - a place where we will always feel peaceful and joyful.

Of course it is true. My son will always bring me peace and joy. I loved the experience I had and I was grateful to realize that Parker is in my happy place. I'd like to go there again!

Rites & Promises

I ran across this picture from our wedding day as I was looking through some of our pictures on the computer. It reminded me of something I learned from it.

I always liked this picture, but I never really saw past the fact that it was a picture of our hands and wedding rings. I had this hanging in our house several years ago. A couple of weeks after Parker passed away, our Bishop's wife came over to visit with me. She was getting ready to leave when the picture caught her eye. She stopped and admired the picture for a moment. She told me how neat of a picture she thought it was. I told her "thank you" and didn't think much of it.

The next Sunday in church was testimony meeting. My Bishop's wife got up to bear her testimony. In her testimony she talked about trials and she specifically mentioned what Daniel and I were going through. Then she brought up this picture. She talked about how much this picture had touched her. She pointed out how symbolic it was - about how our hands are on the doorknob to open the door to the temple; and how that was symbolic of us holding the keys to the rites and promises that are given in the temple. Having been married and sealed in the temple we have been promised that we will be with our son again. Our hands will literally open the door to the rites and promises one day and we will hold our son in our arms yet again.

Of course when she spoke about this she was much more eloquent. I don't even know if I am making sense or not. Nonetheless, I thought it was beautiful and the Spirit testified to me so strongly that what she was saying was true. I know that if I live up to my end of the covenants I made, I will be able to live with Parker forever. I am so thankful for this gospel and all it teaches me. I am thankful to my Bishop's sweet wife for pointing the symbolism of this picture out to me.

Love this poem

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
with tiny lights like heaven stars
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that that tear
For I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
O', the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you
of the joy their voices bring
for it's beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart
but through our memories so dear
We're never far apart.

I can't tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with Our Savior.......face-to-face.

I'll ask him to light your spirit
As I tell him of your Love.
Then I'll pray for 'One another'
As you lift your eyes above.

So please let your heart be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I'm spending Christmas in heaven
and I'm walking with the King.

Parker's Ornament

This is the ornament we got for Parker this Christmas. It was so precious!

Not the best picture, I know. It really is a cute ornament though.

Hayley has started saying "Parker" now. I come to this blog page and show her Parker's picture. I say, "That your brother, Parker." And she says, "Karker" or "Parper". It's so cute though. I didn't even try to teach her it either. The first time I came here I said his name once and she repeated it. Now every time she sees his picture she says his name. I think she remembers him from before.

Always With Us

I just love our Christmas card picture. If you look between mine and Daniel's heads, you'll see an ornament on the tree that is shining brightly. This is Parker's ornament! It wasn't planned for this to be there so when I saw the picture I couldn't help but smile. Parker is still a huge part of our lives. He is our light, we love and miss him. I love seeing little reminders like this that he's still with us.

We Love You!

Happy Thanksgiving! We went and visited the grave as a family on Thanksgiving Day. We are grateful for the short time that Parker was in our lives. His presence is still impacting us each and every day. We can't wait to see and hold him again. We love you Parker!

Grateful

In my mom's ward this weekend, many mothers stood and bore their testimonies about children of theirs who were lost and falling away from the gospel. They spoke about how difficult it was to see your child fall away from the gospel. They were all very emotional.

Hearing this made me think back to when Parker was born. We had read Joseph Smith's quote about children who die in infancy (it's on the right-hand side of my blog) and felt comforted that our son was a very choice and lovely spirit. I also thought back to a blessing that Daniel's brother Kevin gave me. In the blessing he said that Parker was a very choice spirit of our Heavenly Father's and that satan would have worked extra hard to get him. The thought of this is terrifying to me.

To think that my little boy would have been sought after by the evil one more than others makes me feel incredibly grateful that my son was spared that torture. I am also grateful that I was spared having to watch my son go through such things. I don't know that I could handle such heartbreak.

I know that my son was too lovely and pure of a spirit to live on this earth very long, and for that I feel honored to be his mother. I just hope I can live as worthily as possibly to be able to meet his level of celestial glory to be worthy of him.

Joy Cometh in the Morning

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
-Psalms 30:5

I can't wait for the resurrection so I can see my son again. I love this picture of Christ after His resurrection.

Infant and Child Death Awareness Day

Today, October 15th, the MISS Foundation recognizes Infant and Child Death Awareness Day. This is a day when we pause to remember the thousands of children who died at all ages and from all causes around the world. It is a day when we pause and remember.

Please light a candle tonight in memory of these precious children. The MISS Foundation recognizes the pain of families after a child's death, life's worst tragedy. We are here for you and your family if you need us.
In their memory,
The MISS Foundation
http://www.missfoundation.org/

When a Child Dies...
To die one's self is a thing that must be easy,

and light of consequence;
But to lose a part of one's self--well,

we know how deep that pang goes,
we who have suffered that disaster,

received that wound which cannot heal...
It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man,
all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live.
It will take mind and memory months
and possibly years
to gather together the details
and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss.
- Mark Twain, 1888, on the death of his daughter, Suzy Clemens

Children & Angels

"Perhaps children's innocence, wherever it comes from, contributes to the fact that they seem to see angels more often." - John Ronner

-If any of you have ever closely watched babies, you will see them smiling as if watching something (or someone) intently. I like to think that babies can see angels and that the angels play with and watch out for them. I like to think that Parker has made Hayley smile a time or two.

The Lord Knows

I absolutely love conference. For some reason I always feel closer to my son during conference. A talk was given this conference that talked about people that are called upon to experience a tragedy. The speaker talked about how those people who have experienced the death of a loved one are much more compassionate, loving, and empathetic and how they are usually the first ones to help when others experience a tragedy.

I still cannot fully comprehend all of the marvelous things I have learned since my son's passing. However, I do know that I have learned a great deal about compassions and empathy. I used to struggle to find the words to say to someone who had lost a loved one. I now feel much more confident in how to comfort others during their losses. I am by no means perfect, but it feels good to be able to help and love others at a level that I never would have known how to reach before. I honestly ache when others suffer losses and I truly feel for them.

Losing my son has given me an incredible view of the Atonement and of the miraculous gift of the resurrection. Although I have a strong testimony that I will see my son again someday and that he is currently doing a marvelous work, I have truly learned what it meant when Jesus wept with Mary and Martha when Lazarus passed away. Christ knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead, but that did not prevent Him from showing compassion and love to the family. We truly do need to mourn with those that mourn and help bring comfort to them.

I am so very grateful that the Lord has given me the tools to be comfortable in helping others during their difficult times. I am grateful for conference and so thankful for the talks that were given.

Beautiful Poem

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
this we know is true
But God can you be a Mother
when you baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
when they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay
I just don't undersand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear

I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say
"We go to earth and learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
my Mommy set me free

I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy, don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
and this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you
So now you see what makes a Mother
it's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Mommy, Please Don't Cry: There are No Tears in Heaven

Mommy, Please Don't Cry: There are No Tears in Heaven
-This is an absolutely beautiful book. I think anyone that has lost a child would love this book. The artwork in it is beautiful and the story will touch your heart. I highly recommend this book for parents of those who have lost a child.