Sunday, September 28, 2008

If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard

I hate "trying." Actually, I really hate it. For any of you that have fertility problems, you know what I'm talking about and you would most likely agree with me - hands-down. It's not fun or easy. I hate having to take my temperature every morning. It's even more frustrating on days when I forget or take it late. And the most frustrating thing of all is when my temperature never rises (meaning I didn't ovulate). I hate taking four different medicines just to make my body do something that it should do on its own. And even worse, I hate it when those medicines don't work! Ahh!

I know this is a downer post, but I figure I can express my feelings on subjects like these on this blog more-so than my family blog. Plus, I'm really not one to share my business with others. I seriously hate it when people know that we are trying to get pregnant. We haven't ever told anyone when we were actually trying. I just hate the pressure. Because then every time you get together for family functions everyone is always waiting for the "big announcement," which in my case rarely happens. Or when you aren't feeling well one day everyone assumes you are pregnant. Grrr. But I figure everyone knows that we are wanting another baby since we already were pregnant and miscarried.

If life were easy then we'd all get pregnant when we wanted to. Hey, wait, some people actually can get pregnant when they want to. Don't you love that? It seems like some people just wash their underwear together and they get pregnant. I'm not mad at those who are lucky in the baby-making department, it's just hard to swallow sometimes.

If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard. But I guess in the "hard" parts of life that's when we truly learn and grow. I know that I appreciate my daughter tons more than if I would have conceived her right away. So I do understand why we each have our own trials. I understand that I've learned patience and trust and reliance. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and it's better than any plan I could have conjured up for myself. I am grateful that He sees things that I cannot and that He guides my life. I understand and appreciate all that. But I can't be strong all the time (hence, the reasoning behind having to vent in a post).

So even though I understand it all, I still long for a baby. I want one! I want one now! I feel like the bratty girl on the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie when she sings, "Don't care how, I want it NOW!" ...Of course right after she says that she falls down the chute to the garbage disposal...hmm...maybe there's a parallel there that I should be learning from. Nah, I want a baby!

Why does trying have to be so complicated and emotionally draining?


Kamie said...

I am totally with you! I HATE trying. Hate it. We quit "trying" two years ago and I have never been happier. That in it's self makes me a little sad. It's sad that I don't even desire to have my own biological children. At all. I know this is Heavenly Father helping me, otherwise the road to adoption would be a lot harder. I figure it is enough to deal with all the waiting and finding and scams that I don't think I could deal with both. If that makes any sense.

When ever I say i am sick or not feeling well, EVERYONE assumes that I am pregnant. Even FOUR years after we started trying. I mean, I know everyone is more optimistic than I am and maybe I should be as well.... but I would rather everyone get excited that we are adopting! They feel sorry that we have to adopt... and to me that is the greatest blessing and opportunity that I have ever had. I think that Heavenly Father knows me the best and know that adoption is the best road for me. He knows that I can grow and become my best self through these trials. (I am sO not good at the physical trials) Now if I could only explain that to my family and friends.

I am thinking good thoughts and sending them your way! You are in my thoughts and prayers as you try to help you little family grow.

Much Love!

Janell R. Cropper said...

Thanks for being such an example to me Jenny. I love you

Maria Brown Christensen said...

Jenny, thank you for sharing your stories about Parker and your fertility issues. They are so inspiring and help remind me of the blessings of families. I've had fertility issues and I know how stressful they can be, especially with throwing miscarriages into the mix. With just having Alex, I realize that God's timing works out in the long run. Good luck with getting pregnant again.

-Maria Brown Christensen (Daniel's cousin)

B, C, and D said...

Oh, Jenny, I'm right there with you. Trying to get pregnant has been one of the most emotionally challenging things I've been through. Not to mention that fertility meds have a tendency to make me a hormonal crazy monster woman!! I know its been a long time since we've seen each other, but if you ever need to talk or vent to someone, I'd love to listen!